Category: Birthday
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Does that fucker have kids over the age of 4?
They need a: Cardboard box construction tool! Recycle old cardboard boxes while the kids have hours of fun! Also a great way to make a lemonade stand; they’ll pay back the cost of the tool in no time. 😉 There are several tiers and some can get quite pricey, but the Explore kit, linked above,…
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Is that fucker an eco-conscious fashionista?
They need an: Arm warmer top made from a sustainable fish scale fabric! Ever heard of UMORFIL? It’s a textile made of ocean collagen peptide derived from recycled fish scales! How cool is that? Several big brands use it, including The North Face and Wacoal, but this brand Eight I Three is a Toronto-based ecofriendly…
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Does that fucker love Netflix and whisky?
They need a: Squid Game x Johnnie Walker whisky! What a cool collabo — also very neat (couldn’t avoid the pun) that you get your own player number between 001 and 456.
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Does that fucker love hosting?
They need an: Artful Ice Mold Bottle Chiller! The creativity and “wow factor” of this gift is priceless! It is also versatile: It can be used as a bottle chiller or as a decorative centrepiece to fit the event and the time of year.
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Does that fucker have kids over the age of 5?
They need a: Build-your-own-fort kit! This gift idea came via my friend Wendy, who bought it for her nephew and it was a hit! Grab an old sheet to drape over it and get all the fun of forts without damage to your furniture and chaos in your living space. Take it outside for extra…
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Has that fucker lost their way?
They need: The Way of Integrity! After an extremely rough year, this is my current read, and it’s bringing me back to life. Help that fucker get back in touch with themselves so they can live in their integrity and stop feeling so lost!
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Does that fucker love fidget toys?
They need: Flow rings! I got mine for my son from Mastermind Toys. But when I tried searching them, they didn’t show up, so maybe they are no longer sold there. I found the exact same ones on Amazon and they come in a two pack. The funnest way we like to use them is…
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Does that fucker love candles?
They need a: Flat candle! These unique handpainted flat candles made in Lithuania are unique, available via Amazon, and perfect for candle lovers. And because they only have a small steel base rather than a jar, they produce less waste than regular candles.
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Does that fucker love Filipino food?
They need a: Clever tote bag! Started by a Filipino journalist, these tote bags are perfect gifts. I also love their “Don’t Let Your Tita Ruin Your Mental Health” tote bags! 😂
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Does that fucker love board games, especially Scrabble?
They need: Upwords! This game gives Scrabble a 3D upgrade! Not only can you make words the usual way (horizontally), you can stack letter tiles vertically! I grew up playing this game with my family and I bet someone you know would love it too!
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Is that fucker a human?
They need: The best Shiatsu neck massager! This gift reco comes from my friend who bought it for her entire family and sold me on it too! We firmly believe that if you’re a human, then you need a Shiatsu neck massager. That’s facts. [Also it plugs into your car — imagine the tips an…
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Does that fucker have kids over the age of 3?
They need: A fruit and veggie electricity kit! That’s my son! ^ This was so easy to use and he loves it. There is a small red light and a clock included so that when you hook it all up, the fruit and veggies become batteries that power them! Just make sure you are using…
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Does that fucker have a dishwasher?
They need: A clean/dirty magnet! This is the one I bought for us seven years ago and I love it. Clean, minimalist, black/white. I have seen many variations on this type of magnet, but I enjoy the simplicity of this one most. Great stocking stuffer for any practical fuckers with dishwashers on your list!
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Does that fucker have kids?
They need: Local Canadian-made solid-wood toys (and I have a discount code for you!) Thorpe Toys is a Canadian success story. They’ve been hand-making very affordable solid-wood toys for decades, and the owners are absolutely lovely. They offered a downtown Toronto pickup spot near Allan Gardens during Covid, so definitely worth checking to see if…
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Does that fucker like collecting things?
They need: Fancy gemstones to kick-start their nature/rock collection! First off, this company is a Canadian small business! #ShopLocal for the win! So in our household, this present did double duty: They fit into our advent calendar slots while adding to my son’s nature/rock collection. (His collection was only made up of a feather from…
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Does that fucker love to read?
They need an: LED reading light that goes around their neck! This gift was SUCH a hit when I bought it for my mom, and then she bought me one too and I love it! It has a velvety-smooth patch so that it feels nice on your neck, and it has three different brightness settings…
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Does that fucker want to level up their sleep/hair/skin game?
They need a: Satin pillowcase! I was blown away by how soft these are; you always hear about silk pillowcases but oh my goodness these satin ones are INCREDIBLY SOFT! I bought two of these in the blush colour for my nieces, but there are some pretty cool prints and colours available as well. I’m…
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Do you have *way too many fuckers* of all ages and sizes to buy for?
Then you need: A fuck-ton of interactive glow-in-the-dark t-shirts! I am buying ENTIRE FAMILIES these cool shirts. One branch of our family tree has FIVE KIDS and two adults. That’s *seven* fuckers! Use your cellphone light to draw on it in the dark (although it does come with a light pen. I’m also told laser…
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Did that fucker just learn the truth about Santa?
They need: The Secret Society of Saint Nicholas! Know any kids (and their parents) who are heartbroken by “certain terrible information about Santa Claus?” This beautifully-made book from my author friend Katherine North serves as a helpful conduit for discussing the truth about Santa without losing the magic of Christmas. (I have my own copy…
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Is that fucker a teenager?
They need a: Portable mini fridge! Be a cool relative / friend / total hero with this gift! I bought the pink one and the blue one for each of my teenaged nieces. They like to keep their makeup in it (who knew?! It’s a thing!), plus a couple cans of pop and a snack.…
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Is that fucker your friend?
They need a: Tribe friendship necklace! Show that fucker they are part of your tribe! Available in 14k gold or silver.
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Does that fucker love wine and science?
They need a: Scientifically-hilarious Stemless Wine Glass! 😂 Enough said! Also fun for those who appreciate a pun.
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Does that fucker love jewelry?
They need a: Decades Birthday Necklace! This company does milestone birthday necklaces for each decade: This 60th birthday one has six circles representing your favourite fucker’s six decades. Available from 30th to 90th birthdays. Also doubles as a lovely Mother’s Day gift!
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Does that fucker love pool (or billiards, or whatever the fuck it’s called)?
They need a: Responsive Billiards Projector! Play billiards under the sea! In the cosmos! Put on game modes for fun or training modes to level-up your billiards game. This is responsive interactive augmented reality, not just a plain old projector. But be warned that it’s pretty expensive and has some requirements, like optimal cieling height…
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Does that fucker have a young kid who doesn’t understand bodies?
They need: The Body Book! I bought this because all in one week my kid slapped a preschool parent’s ass AND mislabeled my “boob” as my “stomach” (to be fair, there isn’t much delineation there these days LOL). Don’t wait until their kid (or yours) is slapping asses and mislabeling body parts. Get it now!…
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Does that fucker love flowers?
They need a: Pop-up Tulip Card! These tulips don’t die! And they can be mailed anywhere: Such a great Mother’s Day gift for a mom who lives far away. It can also serve as a ‘Get Well Soon’ card to brighten someone’s day. Never underestimate the element of joyful surprise that a well-made pop-up card…
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Does that fucker have a kid and a car?
They need a: Magentic Sun Shade! Just like sleep sacks, file this under “things I never thought I’d need until I became a parent.” Keep the sun out of your kid’s eyes! Makes roadtrips 100% more enjoyable, promise.
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Does that fucker have a kid?
They need a: Sleep Sack! Before I was a parent I had NO CLUE what a sleep sack was. But now I swear by them!
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Does that fucker need to relax?
They need a: Copper Head Massager! I bought like 15 of these as Christmas gifts. They were a hit! Pro tip: Try it on your kneecaps. Sounds weird, but you’re welcome!
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Does that fucker have a kid?
They need a: Dinosaur-embroidered Baseball Cap! Because: DINOSAURS! (My own kid has this hat, as does his friend, and they are obsessed.)
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Does that fucker love reading?
They need a: Portable “Book Nook”! This reading valet is great on a windowsill, on a night table, or in a hotel! Gift it alongside a new book if you need to buy this fucker two things.
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Does that fucker love Lego AND coffee?
They need a: Lego Coffee Cup! No better way for them to start their day! BPA-free; use it for hot and cold beverages!
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Does that fucker love their dirty dog?
They need a: Portable Dog Paw Cleaner! Help them say goodbye to muddy car backseats and paw prints around their home!
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Does that fucker snore?
They need an: Anti-snore Smart Pillow! When it detects that fucker snoring, it gently readjusts them while they sleep!
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Does that fucker have a kid?
They need: A Fuck-ton of AA Batteries! Listen, it’s an underrated addition to a gift! No parent wants to be stuck without batteries while their kids open their holiday or birthday presents.
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Did that fucker hit a milestone in their religious life?
They need a: Commemorative Necklace! I am going to hell for calling them a “fucker”, but I say it with love: A family member bought this as a first communion gift for a tween boy. The back is inscribed with “Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you…