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What The Fuck Should I Gift This Person?!

Giftgiving is my superpower. Let it be yours too!

  • Photos of the Don't Laugh Challenge joke books series, including books aimed at different ages, books aimed at siblings, and holiday-themed versions

    Do you have way too many fuckers of all ages to buy for?

    Then you need:

    Don’t Laugh Challenge joke books (links below)!

    I have the yearly challenge of buying Christmas presents for five kids between 9-17 years old within one family. I’m constantly looking for ways to be fair to each of them while keeping it fun for them and inexpensive for me. I got each of them a different “Don’t Laugh Challenge” joke book, then sweetened the pot at our Christmas gathering by producing a $20 bill and asking each kid to skim through theirs within 5 minutes and tell us their best joke for a chance to win it. (But in the end, everyone won because honestly we got major laughs out of this activity and these books.) Most of the books are organized by age group, and there is everything from a teen edition to a sibling edition to a holiday edition. There’s even a Dad vs Kid edition!

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  • Does that fucker have kids over the age of 4?

    They need a:

    Cardboard box construction tool!

    Recycle old cardboard boxes while the kids have hours of fun! Also a great way to make a lemonade stand; they’ll pay back the cost of the tool in no time. 😉 There are several tiers and some can get quite pricey, but the Explore kit, linked above, is the best value and will last kids well into their tweens.

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  • Is that fucker an eco-conscious fashionista?

    They need an:

    Arm warmer top made from a sustainable fish scale fabric!

    Ever heard of UMORFIL? It’s a textile made of ocean collagen peptide derived from recycled fish scales! How cool is that? Several big brands use it, including The North Face and Wacoal, but this brand Eight I Three is a Toronto-based ecofriendly brand known for their casualwear and cycling clothing.

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  • Does that fucker love Netflix and whisky?

    They need a:

    Squid Game x Johnnie Walker whisky!

    What a cool collabo — also very neat (couldn’t avoid the pun) that you get your own player number between 001 and 456.

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  • Does that fucker love hosting?

    They need an:

    Artful Ice Mold Bottle Chiller!

    The creativity and “wow factor” of this gift is priceless! It is also versatile: It can be used as a bottle chiller or as a decorative centrepiece to fit the event and the time of year.

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  • Does that fucker have kids over the age of 5?

    They need a:

    Build-your-own-fort kit!

    This gift idea came via my friend Wendy, who bought it for her nephew and it was a hit! Grab an old sheet to drape over it and get all the fun of forts without damage to your furniture and chaos in your living space. Take it outside for extra fun and for a nice long period of indoor silence!

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  • Has that fucker lost their way?

    They need:

    The Way of Integrity!

    After an extremely rough year, this is my current read, and it’s bringing me back to life. Help that fucker get back in touch with themselves so they can live in their integrity and stop feeling so lost!

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  • Does that fucker love fidget toys?

    They need:

    Flow rings!

    I got mine for my son from Mastermind Toys. But when I tried searching them, they didn’t show up, so maybe they are no longer sold there. I found the exact same ones on Amazon and they come in a two pack. The funnest way we like to use them is we stand beside each other and hold hands while I hold the flow ring on my upper arm and then drop it all the way down my arm and it rolls straight onto his arm. Makes us giggle every time. It’s cold and it sort of tickles. My son also loves flattening it back down to its storage shape.

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  • Does that fucker love candles?

    They need a:

    Flat candle!

    These unique handpainted flat candles made in Lithuania are unique, available via Amazon, and perfect for candle lovers. And because they only have a small steel base rather than a jar, they produce less waste than regular candles.

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  • Does that fucker love Filipino food?

    They need a:

    Clever tote bag!

    Started by a Filipino journalist, these tote bags are perfect gifts. I also love their “Don’t Let Your Tita Ruin Your Mental Health” tote bags! 😂

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  • Does that fucker love board games, especially Scrabble?

    They need:

    Upwords!

    This game gives Scrabble a 3D upgrade! Not only can you make words the usual way (horizontally), you can stack letter tiles vertically! I grew up playing this game with my family and I bet someone you know would love it too!

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  • Is that fucker a human?

    They need:

    The best Shiatsu neck massager!

    This gift reco comes from my friend who bought it for her entire family and sold me on it too! We firmly believe that if you’re a human, then you need a Shiatsu neck massager. That’s facts. [Also it plugs into your car — imagine the tips an Uber driver would get if they had one of these babies for their passengers!]

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  • Does that fucker have kids over the age of 3?

    They need:

    A fruit and veggie electricity kit!

    That’s my son! ^ This was so easy to use and he loves it. There is a small red light and a clock included so that when you hook it all up, the fruit and veggies become batteries that power them! Just make sure you are using acidic veggies and fruits. For us it worked with oranges and potatoes. I think apples and tomatoes will work too. As you connect more fruits and veggies (up to three total), you increase the power, and the light will get a little brighter. Great gift idea for kids 3+ BUT PLEASE NOTE: Instructions are not in English but there are diagrams we were able to follow.

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  • Does that fucker have a dishwasher?

    They need:

    A clean/dirty magnet!

    This is the one I bought for us seven years ago and I love it. Clean, minimalist, black/white. I have seen many variations on this type of magnet, but I enjoy the simplicity of this one most. Great stocking stuffer for any practical fuckers with dishwashers on your list!

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  • Does that fucker have kids?

    They need:

    Local Canadian-made solid-wood toys

    Thorpe Toys is a Canadian success story. They’ve been hand-making very affordable solid-wood toys for decades, and the owners are absolutely lovely. They offered a downtown Toronto pickup spot near Allan Gardens during Covid, so definitely worth checking to see if they can still offer that if you don’t want to spend shipping for orders under $150 (shipping is free over $150). We have the balloon boat (a bathtime hit), the mouse and cheese (much-loved by my son when he was younger), and the solid-wood step-stool (which my son still uses to this day at 4 years old).

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  • Does that fucker like collecting things?

    They need:

    Fancy gemstones to kick-start their nature/rock collection!

    First off, this company is a Canadian small business! #ShopLocal for the win! So in our household, this present did double duty: They fit into our advent calendar slots while adding to my son’s nature/rock collection. (His collection was only made up of a feather from a bird who has lived a questionable life, some brick that chipped off the side of a building, and some sad local downtown rocks that may or may not have been peed on by a dog. How nice it was to know these ones are pee-free! 😂) They are smooth and a good size; other ones I read reviews for during my research were really small when people received them. I believe this company has a discount promo code on for Dec 2023 as well and, as of date of publish, will arrive by Christmas.

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  • Does that fucker love to read?

    They need an:

    LED reading light that goes around their neck!

    This gift was SUCH a hit when I bought it for my mom, and then she bought me one too and I love it! It has a velvety-smooth patch so that it feels nice on your neck, and it has three different brightness settings as well as a toggle between warm yellow light and cool bluish-white light. Both arms are bendable and easily adjustable; you can also choose to have the light coming out just on the right arm, just on the left arm, or on both. And the price is definitely right!

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  • Does that fucker want to level up their sleep/hair/skin game?

    They need a:

    Satin pillowcase!

    I was blown away by how soft these are; you always hear about silk pillowcases but oh my goodness these satin ones are INCREDIBLY SOFT! I bought two of these in the blush colour for my nieces, but there are some pretty cool prints and colours available as well. I’m told they are great for your skin and hair, and that they also keep you nice and cool at night. 😎

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  • Do you have *way too many fuckers* of all ages and sizes to buy for?

    Then you need:

    A fuck-ton of interactive glow-in-the-dark t-shirts!

    I am buying ENTIRE FAMILIES these cool shirts. One branch of our family tree has FIVE KIDS and two adults. That’s *seven* fuckers! Use your cellphone light to draw on it in the dark (although it does come with a light pen. I’m also told laser pointers work on it too). After a few minutes, the design disappears and you can draw on it again! I haven’t given them out yet, but I have ordered like 20 of them. I see them as kind of like a next-level family-matching outfit, but way less cheesy and way more fun / cool / interactive! It’s the perfect gift for when you can’t fucking figure out what the fuck to gift all those fuckers!

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  • Did that fucker just learn the truth about Santa?

    They need:

    The Secret Society of Saint Nicholas!

    Know any kids (and their parents) who are heartbroken by “certain terrible information about Santa Claus?” This beautifully-made book from my author friend Katherine North serves as a helpful conduit for discussing the truth about Santa without losing the magic of Christmas. (I have my own copy here at the ready for when that day comes for my kid.)

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  • A photo of a pink and a black mini fridge

    Is that fucker a teenager?

    They need a:

    Portable mini fridge!

    Be a cool relative / friend / total hero with this gift! I bought the pink one and the blue one for each of my teenaged nieces. They like to keep their makeup in it (who knew?! It’s a thing!), plus a couple cans of pop and a snack. Then they don’t have to leave their room to see their parents (ugh, thank god! Total lifesaver)! 😂 I’ve also heard it can be unplugged and keep hot food warm for an hour or so. Very versatile. Comes in many colours, even a black dry-erase version!

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  • Is that fucker your friend?

    They need a:

    Tribe friendship necklace!

    Show that fucker they are part of your tribe! Available in 14k gold or silver.

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  • A stemless wine glass that says “according to chemistry, wine is a solution” - wine is spelled with the periodic table elements as a pun about chemistry and solutions!

    Does that fucker love wine and science?

    They need a:

    Scientifically-hilarious Stemless Wine Glass!

    😂 Enough said! Also fun for those who appreciate a pun.

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  • A sterling silver necklace with interlocking rings, one for each decade of the gift recipient’s life in recognition of their milestone birthday.

    Does that fucker love jewelry?

    They need a:

    Decades Birthday Necklace!

    This company does milestone birthday necklaces for each decade: This 60th birthday one has six circles representing your favourite fucker’s six decades. Available from 30th to 90th birthdays. Also doubles as a lovely Mother’s Day gift!

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  • Augmented reality projector that goes above pool table. Shows interface on pool table for games, backgrounds, training modes etc

    Does that fucker love pool (or billiards, or whatever the fuck it’s called)?

    They need a:

    Responsive Billiards Projector!

    Play billiards under the sea! In the cosmos! Put on game modes for fun or training modes to level-up your billiards game. This is responsive interactive augmented reality, not just a plain old projector. But be warned that it’s pretty expensive and has some requirements, like optimal cieling height for best placement. But for the person who already has everything (including a pool table), THIS IS AMAZING!

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  • Cover of The Body Book: It has a red background, white text, and a picture of a child on it.

    Does that fucker have a young kid who doesn’t understand bodies?

    They need:

    The Body Book!

    I bought this because all in one week my kid slapped a preschool parent’s ass AND mislabeled my “boob” as my “stomach” (to be fair, there isn’t much delineation there these days LOL). Don’t wait until their kid (or yours) is slapping asses and mislabeling body parts. Get it now! (BONUS: The cool acetate overlays let you see different bodily systems, one atop the other!)

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  • A pop-up card with a bouquet of yellow, white, and pink tulips in the middle against a turquoise card background

    Does that fucker love flowers?

    They need a:

    Pop-up Tulip Card!

    These tulips don’t die! And they can be mailed anywhere: Such a great Mother’s Day gift for a mom who lives far away. It can also serve as a ‘Get Well Soon’ card to brighten someone’s day. Never underestimate the element of joyful surprise that a well-made pop-up card can bring!

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  • A magnetic sun shade for cars to keep sun out of children's eyes

    Does that fucker have a kid and a car?

    They need a:

    Magentic Sun Shade!

    Just like sleep sacks, file this under “things I never thought I’d need until I became a parent.” Keep the sun out of your kid’s eyes! Makes roadtrips 100% more enjoyable, promise.

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  • A grey and white sleep sack with a tiny pattern of leaves and triangles

    Does that fucker have a kid?

    They need a:

    Sleep Sack!

    Before I was a parent I had NO CLUE what a sleep sack was. But now I swear by them!

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  • A copper head massager with a handle and 8-10 prongs

    Does that fucker need to relax?

    They need a:

    Copper Head Massager!

    I bought like 15 of these as Christmas gifts. They were a hit! Pro tip: Try it on your kneecaps. Sounds weird, but you’re welcome!

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  • A cotton ballcap that looks like blue denim with embroidered dinosaurs in primary colours all over it - for kids and children between 3 months and 8 years

    Does that fucker have a kid?

    They need a:

    Dinosaur-embroidered Baseball Cap!

    Because: DINOSAURS! (My own kid has this hat, as does his friend, and they are obsessed.)

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  • A portable wooden reading valet for your book nook that holds one book, one mug, and one pair of glasses

    Does that fucker love reading?

    They need a:

    Portable “Book Nook”!

    This reading valet is great on a windowsill, on a night table, or in a hotel! Gift it alongside a new book if you need to buy this fucker two things.

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  • Image of a black mug usable for hot or cold beverages, BPA-free, with the ability to connect lego bricks all around the outside of it

    Does that fucker love Lego AND coffee?

    They need a:

    Lego Coffee Cup!

    No better way for them to start their day! BPA-free; use it for hot and cold beverages!

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  • Does that fucker love their dirty dog?

    They need a:

    Portable Dog Paw Cleaner!

    Help them say goodbye to muddy car backseats and paw prints around their home!

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  • Picture of anti-snore smart pillow beside a smartphone

    Does that fucker snore?

    They need an:

    Anti-snore Smart Pillow!

    When it detects that fucker snoring, it gently readjusts them while they sleep!

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  • Does that fucker have a kid?

    They need:

    A Fuck-ton of AA Batteries!

    Listen, it’s an underrated addition to a gift! No parent wants to be stuck without batteries while their kids open their holiday or birthday presents.

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  • A black cross communion necklace on a chain with a maple leaf in the middle

    Did that fucker hit a milestone in their religious life?

    They need a:

    Commemorative Necklace!

    I am going to hell for calling them a “fucker”, but I say it with love: A family member bought this as a first communion gift for a tween boy. The back is inscribed with “Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know.”

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