What The Fuck Should I Gift This Person?!

Giftgiving is my superpower. Let it be yours too!

  • A photo of a pink and a black mini fridge

    Is that fucker a teenager?

    They need a:

    Portable mini fridge!

    Be a cool relative / friend / total hero with this gift! I bought the pink one and the blue one for each of my teenaged nieces. They like to keep their makeup in it (who knew?! It’s a thing!), plus a couple cans of pop and a snack. Then they don’t have to leave their room to see their parents (ugh, thank god! Total lifesaver)! 😂 I’ve also heard it can be unplugged and keep hot food warm for an hour or so. Very versatile. Comes in many colours, even a black dry-erase version!

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  • Is that fucker your friend?

    They need a:

    Tribe friendship necklace!

    Show that fucker they are part of your tribe! Available in 14k gold or silver.

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  • A stemless wine glass that says “according to chemistry, wine is a solution” - wine is spelled with the periodic table elements as a pun about chemistry and solutions!

    Does that fucker love wine and science?

    They need a:

    Scientifically-hilarious Stemless Wine Glass!

    😂 Enough said! Also fun for those who appreciate a pun.

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  • A sterling silver necklace with interlocking rings, one for each decade of the gift recipient’s life in recognition of their milestone birthday.

    Does that fucker love jewelry?

    They need a:

    Decades Birthday Necklace!

    This company does milestone birthday necklaces for each decade: This 60th birthday one has six circles representing your favourite fucker’s six decades. Available from 30th to 90th birthdays. Also doubles as a lovely Mother’s Day gift!

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  • Augmented reality projector that goes above pool table. Shows interface on pool table for games, backgrounds, training modes etc

    Does that fucker love pool (or billiards, or whatever the fuck it’s called)?

    They need a:

    Responsive Billiards Projector!

    Play billiards under the sea! In the cosmos! Put on game modes for fun or training modes to level-up your billiards game. This is responsive interactive augmented reality, not just a plain old projector. But be warned that it’s pretty expensive and has some requirements, like optimal cieling height for best placement. But for the person who already has everything (including a pool table), THIS IS AMAZING!

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  • Cover of The Body Book: It has a red background, white text, and a picture of a child on it.

    Does that fucker have a young kid who doesn’t understand bodies?

    They need:

    The Body Book!

    I bought this because all in one week my kid slapped a preschool parent’s ass AND mislabeled my “boob” as my “stomach” (to be fair, there isn’t much delineation there these days LOL). Don’t wait until their kid (or yours) is slapping asses and mislabeling body parts. Get it now! (BONUS: The cool acetate overlays let you see different bodily systems, one atop the other!)

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  • A pop-up card with a bouquet of yellow, white, and pink tulips in the middle against a turquoise card background

    Does that fucker love flowers?

    They need a:

    Pop-up Tulip Card!

    These tulips don’t die! And they can be mailed anywhere: Such a great Mother’s Day gift for a mom who lives far away. It can also serve as a ‘Get Well Soon’ card to brighten someone’s day. Never underestimate the element of joyful surprise that a well-made pop-up card can bring!

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  • A magnetic sun shade for cars to keep sun out of children's eyes

    Does that fucker have a kid and a car?

    They need a:

    Magentic Sun Shade!

    Just like sleep sacks, file this under “things I never thought I’d need until I became a parent.” Keep the sun out of your kid’s eyes! Makes roadtrips 100% more enjoyable, promise.

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  • A grey and white sleep sack with a tiny pattern of leaves and triangles

    Does that fucker have a kid?

    They need a:

    Sleep Sack!

    Before I was a parent I had NO CLUE what a sleep sack was. But now I swear by them!

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  • A copper head massager with a handle and 8-10 prongs

    Does that fucker need to relax?

    They need a:

    Copper Head Massager!

    I bought like 15 of these as Christmas gifts. They were a hit! Pro tip: Try it on your kneecaps. Sounds weird, but you’re welcome!

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  • A cotton ballcap that looks like blue denim with embroidered dinosaurs in primary colours all over it - for kids and children between 3 months and 8 years

    Does that fucker have a kid?

    They need a:

    Dinosaur-embroidered Baseball Cap!

    Because: DINOSAURS! (My own kid has this hat, as does his friend, and they are obsessed.)

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  • A portable wooden reading valet for your book nook that holds one book, one mug, and one pair of glasses

    Does that fucker love reading?

    They need a:

    Portable “Book Nook”!

    This reading valet is great on a windowsill, on a night table, or in a hotel! Gift it alongside a new book if you need to buy this fucker two things.

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  • Image of a black mug usable for hot or cold beverages, BPA-free, with the ability to connect lego bricks all around the outside of it

    Does that fucker love Lego AND coffee?

    They need a:

    Lego Coffee Cup!

    No better way for them to start their day! BPA-free; use it for hot and cold beverages!

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  • A tube known as a portable dog paw cleaner

    Does that fucker love their dirty dog?

    They need a:

    Portable Dog Paw Cleaner!

    Help them say goodbye to muddy car backseats and pawprints around their home!

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  • Glass cloud-shaped storm predictor with wooden base

    Is that fucker obsessed with the weather?

    They need a:

    Cloud-shaped Storm Predictor!

    Super cute and functional for the weather nerd in your life!

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  • Picture of anti-snore smart pillow beside a smartphone

    Does that fucker snore?

    They need an:

    Anti-snore Smart Pillow!

    When it detects that fucker snoring, it gently readjusts them while they sleep!

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  • Does that fucker have a kid?

    They need:

    A Fuck-ton of AA Batteries!

    Listen, it’s an underrated addition to a gift! No parent wants to be stuck without batteries during the holiday- or birthday toy-opening blitz. And batteries in existing toys always die right when you’re out of them!

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  • A black cross communion necklace on a chain with a maple leaf in the middle

    Did that fucker hit a milestone in their religious life?

    They need a:

    Commemorative Necklace!

    I am going to hell for calling them a “fucker”, but I say it with love: A family member bought this as a first communion gift for a tween boy. The back is inscribed with “Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know.”

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